First Love

I remember reading Keith Green's biography No Compromise in my twenties and being in awe of how he yearned for Jesus after his conversion to Christianity.  It honestly felt like Keith loved Jesus so much, hungered for him so much, needed him so much, that Jesus couldn't stand the separation of heaven and earth and so he brought Keith up to be with Him.  What a beautiful picture.  It also shone a light on how hollow my own faith was.  I remember weeping in my bedroom because I didn't feel that "spark" in my faith any more.  It reminded me what I had lost.

When I was little I struggled with night terrors so badly that I had to see a psychologist (who was also the pastor of our church) for about a year, and I didn't sleep in my own bedroom from about third grade through fifth grade. I was terrified of demons and vampires (obviously this was pre-Edward Cullen.)  During that year of therapy, my psych/pastor taught me how to live life with the constant knowledge that Jesus was right beside me and I could talk to him (even just in my thoughts) any time I wanted... especially when I was scared.  So I did.  It was kind of like having an imaginary friend who I knew could kick butt... just in case any vampires were lurking nearby.  Except I knew he wasn't imaginary.  I remember keeping a running conversation with Jesus throughout the day about a million different little girl things and knowing what he was saying back to me.  

When did I lose that?  When did I stop needing him?  Even today, as The Pastor's wife, I have to remind myself in all my busy-ness that I still need Jesus.  I work in a church office.  I sit in church for two services each week.  I sing songs of praise from the stage every Sunday.  I go to meetings and plan things for the church.  I read through the Bible every year.  I counsel people about Him.  I pray to Him with others.  I know all the right answers.  But somehow, I let myself forget that I really, desperately need Him and instead just go through the motions.  Even in about as Jesus-y an environment as you can get.  

I don't walk around in a little praise bubble.  I make decisions without praying about them first.  I try to solve problems without giving them to God.  I zone in and out while I'm reading His love letter to me.  I sin in thought, word, and deed.  I sin by omission. I worry and fret.  I let my eyes and ears see and hear things that aren't holy.  And I try to justify it all.  In other words, I'm a big, fat sinner who has to be continually reminded not to walk away from the one who has saved me.  I am Hosea's Gomer. 

I need to remember the innocence and assurance that I felt when I let myself rest in Him.    I need to be reminded what it's like to walk daily with Him; what it's like to want to stand beautiful and spotless before Him like a bride on her wedding night who has placed all of her trust in her groom, knowing he will never hurt her.  I need to study and memorize every detail so that his spirit is imprinted on mine.  With all of the passion and desperation of a once in a lifetime love affair, I must remember that I need Him.

Draw me back to you, Jesus.  Remind me, even if it hurts, that I am incomplete without you by my side, in my heart, and in my head.  Tie a string from your heart to mine so that when I drift away, it will cause me pain and I will run back into your arms.  Restore my passion and remind me of my first love.